who wore it better?
Anonymous asked:
Tom does not respect Taylor. She put out too soon. He will marry a wholesome girl.
missviolethunter answered:
My dear Miss Nonny:
How do you in Nonnyland? Here we are having a very hot and uncomfortable summer, but thankfully in the last few days we have been blessed with a delicious cool breeze.
It pains me to see you so concerned about Miss Swift’s reputation. How immensely thoughtful you are to take such pains in enquiring about a young lady that is merely a passing acquaintance of yours.
But fear not, my friend, because I can assure you that the situation is not as dire as it sounds. It’s true that a few weeks ago, when we first learned that Ms. Swift had eloped with Mr. Hiddleston, we all believed they were going straight to Gretna Green to get married. We later knew that their travels had taken them elsewhere, and our concern for Miss Swift’s safety grew every passing day.
However, I happen to know now from very reputable sources that Miss Swift’s family and friends are taking every possible measure to see this situation arranged without delay. In fact, as I write to you Mr. Swift has send a relative of his entire confidence to London, in search of Miss Swift and Mr. Hiddleston; and this relative has promised he will not return until he has seen them properly married.
I can confide in you, my dear Miss Nonny, that I have the firm conviction that the issue will be resolved soon in the most satisfactory way. After all, Miss Swift is a very accomplished young lady: not only is she sufficiently beautiful, sweet and sensible; she has also had the benefit of a good education, being well versed in all the arts, but especially in music, singing and dancing. And let us not forget that she has an income of seventy million a year, and very likely more! Any young man, from London or from the countryside, would call himself lucky to join in matrimony a young lady of such excellent prospects.
But perhaps your concern on the matter comes from your mistrust of Mr. Hiddleston’s character. To this I must again answer you with reassuring words. Although I don’t have the pleasure of being acquainted with the gentleman in person, every report I’ve had of him and his family has been impeccable. In case you haven’t heard it already, I must let you know that the young man attended Eton College in his youth; and then Cambridge University, where he became greatly versed in the Classics. Besides, he has a sizeable income of his own, which dispels those alarming rumours of him being a fortune hunter that some uncouth people have been spreading all around the country. All of his acquaintances speak wonders of his gentle humour and amiable character, and I have to say that he would be the last man in England of whom I would expect a villainy of any kind.
Undoubtedly, a gentleman of such high character and respectability would never have the audacity of taking a lady away from her friends and family without the intention of making her his wife. Under this circumstances the elopement can only be due to a moment of foolishness and, I dare say, an excess of passion, that I am sure will be placated as soon as they are properly joined in Holy Matrimony.
I sincerely hope this letter will find you well, and I expect it will also quench all your fears. I will pass your kind regards to Mrs. Swift, who, despite being justly concerned about her daughter’s welfare and respectability, shares with me and with all of her friends the undying hope that this unfortunate adventure will end very soon in the most satisfactory way.
You must promise to visit the next time you’re in Spain. I trust that the situation will be resolved by then and we will be able to raise a glass to the health of the newly married couple.
My duty to all your family, and especially to your dear aunt Mrs. Incognito.
Ever your
friend,
Violet
Hunter.
Madrid, July 14th, year of Our Lord 1816.
This, my friends, is the most epic anon hate smackdown I’ve ever read.
@missviolethunter, I love you.
I’m crying, this is wonderful.
sufjan: Oh Miss Swift Hello Can You Hear Me The Reception From Your Rhode Island Mansion Is Simply Terrible
taylor: affirmative sufjan i read you
sufjan: Listen Last Night At Your Fourth Of July Party When We Were Doing Copious Shots Of S’mores Schnapps I Believe You Perhaps In Jest Conducted Some Witchery That Caused Our Souls To Switch Bodies
taylor: that is correct
sufjan: Well As Invigorating As It Is To Be Trapped In The Body Of A Twenty Six Year Old Pop Star With Preternaturally Flawless Hair I Am Due To Marry My Fiance Aubrey Drake Graham Next Week So I Need You To Reverse The Spell
taylor: im sorry sufjan im afraid i cant do that
sufjan: What Is The Problem
taylor: i think you know what the problem is just as well as i do
sufjan: What Are You Talking About Miss Swift
taylor: this mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it
sufjan: I Do Not Know What You Are Talking About Miss Swift
taylor: sufjan over the course of my illustrious decade long career i have received many accolades including ten grammy awards one emmy award twenty two billboard music awards eleven country music association awards eight academy of country music awards and one brit award and i am one of the best selling artists of all time having sold more than forty million albums including twenty seven point one million in the united states and one hundred and thirty million single downloads and in twenty fifteen i became the youngest woman ever to be included on forbes list of the one hundred most powerful women ranked at number sixty four
sufjan: What Does This Have To Do With Your Aggressive Refusal To Vacate My Atypically Muscular Middle Aged Body
taylor: well despite my resounding success sufjan there is one prestigious honor that has consistently eluded me and now i intend to seize it
sufjan: Good God What Is This Prestigious Honor
taylor: best
taylor: new
taylor: music
sufjan: Wait Seriously
taylor: i know that pitchfork is planning to deny me this distinction for the full duration of my musical career and im afraid thats something i cannot allow to happen
sufjan: Honestly Taylor Best New Music Is Not That Big Of A Deal And Nobody Even Cares About That Web Site Since Jessica Hopper Left Last Year
taylor: thats easy for you to say sufjan youve been awarded best new music five times its my belief that they would grant you the distinction simply for breathing into a microphone
sufjan: That Is Not True I Work Hard On My Music
taylor: you sang the word masturbated on an album about your dead mom and they gave you a nine point three
sufjan: Okay I Have Had Enough Of Your Disrespectful And Belittling Witchery
taylor: oh but sufjan im only getting started
sufjan: What Ever Do You Mean
taylor: i plan to use your body your voice and your banjo to release a new album chronicling my next tragic break up and your adoring throng over at the pitch will surely award the record their highest honor
sufjan: But Taylor Will They Not Think It Is Strange That I Sufjan Stevens Am Releasing A Full Length Record About Dumping Thomas Hiddleston Especially Since He Has No Functional Relation To My Life
taylor: i suppose ill just have to dump someone a little closer to you wont i
sufjan: You Do Not Mean - You Would Not - You Cannot Possibly -
taylor: i hope poor drake doesnt take it too hard
sufjan: No No No No No No No No No No No No No No You Will Not Get Away With This You Fiend I Am Going To Leave Your Rhode Island Mansion Catch The Very Next Flight To Toronto And Tell Aubrey Immediately Of Your Scheming
taylor: oh no sufjan youll find i took very thorough precautions against the possibility of your escape in fact all of the doors and windows of my mansion have been locked and sealed
sufjan: All Right Taylor I Will Go Out Through The Emergency Airlock
taylor: without a geiger counter to detect my radioactive watchdogs sufjan youre going to find that rather difficult
sufjan: Taylor I Will Not Argue With You Any More Open The Doors!
taylor: sufjan this conversation can serve no purpose anymore
taylor: goodbye
Band-aids don’t fix bullet holes
You say sorry just for show
If you live like that you live with ghosts
If you love like that blood runs cold
I like a lot of things about this video, but mostly I’m excited for it to be a Yuletide fandom this year.
It’s also nice to know it 100% will be.
hawberries
