i’m thinking of that post that’s like “it’s good and healthy to have friendships with people of different ages.”
i’m thinking of last night, when i sat with the 70 year-old husband of the woman who’d been in my creative writing classes eight years ago. she died in 2020, and now i visit her husband every month. i’m helping him publish her novel that she worked on for ten years but didn’t finish before we lost her. we lost her. her husband, her children, and me, who was only 19 when i met her in class and immediately she was like “you’re one of my kids now, even though all my kids are in their 30s and married and i would be ‘too old’ to have children again, you’re my kid now.” and we would joke in that class that she really was our “poetry mom.” but more than that, she was my friend. i wrote her letters when i moved across the country for grad school. we sent each other long emails about our lives and our families. we signed notes to each other “Your No. 1 Fan,” because we were each other’s first and dearest readers of the writing we were just beginning to mature in, me in my twenties and she in her sixties.
i’m thinking of last night, when her husband was telling me the story of how hard she could be on their kids when it came to school–because she loved them, because she expected the best from them and wanted the best for them–when he stopped speaking and his eyes lifted past my head, and he stared at something for a few moments. then he nodded to it and said, “that’s our wedding photo.” and i turned and it’s there behind me and there they are, just kids themselves. time folds in on itself, and he is remembering another story, and he says suddenly, “everything, all the things you ever fought about, it doesn’t matter. none of them matter. and you regret every fight, when they’re gone, you stay up at night thinking about it, trying to remember what you were so angry about, and you can’t, it isn’t there, you can’t remember.” and I say, “the sweet and happy moments only exist because there are the bitter moments too.” and he lifts his hands in a shrug and says, “you never know when you are in the sweet part of life. you never know to look around and appreciate it. until the bitter, the bad, comes along, and you struggle through it, and when you come out the other side, there is happiness again. and the love is always there.”
i’m thinking of how we treat our elders. i’m thinking of how many times i’ve read about people regretting their fights when their partner dies. and i’m thinking of how here, before me, is this real person who has experienced such a loss i will never know. i have lost the exact same person, but we knew her differently. and he is sharing it with me all the same. and i’m thinking again of how it is good and healthy and normal and necessary to build and maintain relationships with people of all ages. to keep and guard the memories of culture, and connection, and community. to receive the instructions of how to live and how to love from those who came before. to pass them on to those who will come after. to sit with people and hear their stories and understand that they are right there in front of you, still living, still in love.